Following
Saturday Night
Studies at De La Salle University - Manila
Lives in Cainta, Rizal
Single
Speaks Filipino, English
Born on November '87
From Cainta, Rizal
If Stephen Hawking is so smart, how come he can’t even walk?
You have it backwards, my friend. Stephen Hawking is smart because he doesn’t walk. I’m sure you have heard that when a person loses one of their 15 basic senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight, thought, libido, pride, revenge, fear of minorities, herpes, telekinesis, The Sixth Sense, entitlement, urinary burning), the other 14 become “heightened” or “more gooder.” The same principle applies to your muscles.
You see, the muscles that make up the legs (sartorious, gluteus, clitorus majorus, biceps femorus, quadriceps, vas deferens, triceps sorae, tina majorino, peroneus longus, tibialis anterior) account for over 80% of total muscle mass in the human body. Unfortunately, there is only a limited amount of blood in each of us, typically about 200 kilograms worth or, for us Americans, “two and a half of the big Mountain Dews” worth. This is where the problem comes in. In a cruel twist of creation, Jesus didn’t give us enough of his blood (that he made from wine coolers) to run all the muscles at peak output.
You see, your body is like a public school. Your muscles are students in this school. Your blood is like the teacher in this school. She is only one person. She knows she isn’t going to be able to reach all the students. She has to pick and choose which ones are the most important and deserve the majority of her time. The rest? She basically says “fuck em’” and gives the bare minumum of her abilities. So, your legs, since they are used to walk, or “locomotivate,” the body, get the most blood or “attention.” A muscle, like the brain, only gets what is needed for the bare minumum of survival.
Now, Mr. Hawking was born in 1942 during the height of the Vietnam War. The world needed smart people to figure out how to end this war, which had famously been started by Ghengis Khan twenty years earlier. Hawking’s parents made a bold decision. They decided Stephen would not be allowed to use his legs in an attempt to strengthen the brain muscle, thusly giving him the mental powers to, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “End the terrible conflict with the sewer people of Vietnam.”
At first, the wizards suggested amputation of Hawking’s legs. This would have been the absolute best way of ensuring maximum blood flow away from his legs and into other parts of the body. This method was abandoned, however, as it was decided that he would “look too retarded” to be taken seriously. The next best way was to simply put rubber bands around his legs, limiting blood flow.
In the end, as we all know, this gamble paid off. Hawking’s brain muscle became much more powerful than the average person proving the hypothesis that leg usage was serving as a handicapping mechanism to higher brain function. By 1965, Hawking had helped to not only end the Vietnam conflict, but also to take down the Berlin Wall, fly a talking monkey into space, and introduce crack to inner cities in America as well as the United States.
Sidenote: As a pleasant side-effect of the redistribution of blood flow in his body, Hawking’s penis is now capable of becoming 18 inches long and as wide in circumference as his calf muscle would have been had it grown normally. Irony!
Books That Will Help Me Grapple With Existence?
First, if you think you might kill yourself, read The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. If you’re coming to grips with someone’s past affections for someone else (or someone called you a West Briton) read “The Dead”, a short story by James Joyce. If you hate your shitty office job and staring at your cube walls make you crazy, read Then We Came To The End by Joshua Ferris. If you think you’re the worst fuck-up in the world read Jernigan by David Gates or alternately, “Where I’m Calling From”, a short story by Raymond Carver. That will fix that. If you’re fucking a lot but still feel empty read Because They Wanted To by Mary Gaitskill. If you feel you have committed an unforgivable crime, read Atonement by Ian McEwan. You might need one of these books to flush your system by relating to one of the characters, then to start feeling better, move to one of the books in the next paragraph.
If you are wanting to try to find the courage to try something new, read The Commitments by Roddy Doyle. If you are trying to get over a bad relationship, read The Shipping News by Annie Proulx. But not anything else by Annie Proulx, ok? If you’ve been in war read “The Things They Carried”, a short story by Tim O’Brien or “The Pugilist at Rest”, a short story by Thom Jones. If you’re trying to get over family issues in your childhood, read Waterland by Graham Swift. If you’re losing your faith in all of humanity, read The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck, but don’t stop until you’ve read the last page, you hear? If you’re worried over a friendship that had a falling out, read “This Is What It Means To Say Phoenix, Arizona”, a short story by Sherman Alexie. If you think the problem is you, read A Wizard of EarthSea by Ursula Le Guin. If your significant other left you, read The Riders by Tim Winton. If its the death of a friend, read “In the Cemetery Where Al Jolsen Is Buried”, a short story by Amy Hempel. If none of these work, then read The Once and Future King by T.H. White, where everyone looks completely human in all their dimensions but you love them anyway. And if that doesn’t work, PM me. I have more ideas. Good luck, Satellite
-everydayishumpday, reddit: r/books
sigh Sit down, my child.
There are people to whom Reddit is a game. That is because the entire Internet, to them, is a game. It’s points in a game.
To them: The people on the other side of the screen aren’t real. The original artists who created a work aren’t real. The people who make the rules aren’t real. No, I don’t mean in a figurative sense, I mean in a very hard, literal sense, they think you and I are just part of a simulation. True, like when you corner a psychopath, they know how to fake the talk - of course they know other people are real and what they’re doing is wrong. But inside? No. Literally.
So if you can do it on the Internet, it automatically becomes fair play. If it wasn’t “fair”, there’d be a way to stop it, they reason.
Here’s the thing: Everybody knows that something was stolen and they don’t care. Everybody knows that most of the people claiming to have 20 million diseases are faking it for attention and they don’t care. Everybody knows that 90% of the IAMA/AMA are impostors and they don’t care. Everybody knows that 90% of the charity cases on the Internet are scams and they don’t care. Everybody knows that Reddit is mostly a circlejerk of bullshit and stale memes and they like it that way. “My daughter drew this?” Bullshit, stolen off Google images. “My boyfriend died in Iraq?” Bullshit, made up story. “My [F]ine tits, upvote [F]or more?” Bullshit, stolen off a personals site.
Fake, bullshit, lies, scams, bullshit. And when you point this out to anyone, when you submit incontrovertible proof, the most you’ll get for your effort is “Oh, well, it was a nice picture anyway.” or “I don’t care if it’s a scam, I’d rather be scammed 1000 times than deny help to someone who needs it.” Is it popular to say you’re a geek? Insist that you’re a geek. Are ginger Palestinian refuges with Asperger’s syndrome popular this week? Poof, become a ginger Palestinian refuge with Asperger’s syndrome. They think everybody is playing the same game. When you point out to them that you, in fact, are not, they think that’s part of the game. They just think you’re trying to win the game over them.
They don’t root in shit because they have no choice. They root in shit because that’s life when you’re a pig.
You might as well ask why people watched so much pro wrestling, or why they watch so much reality TV now. Theyknow, on the logical level, that it’s fake. They don’t care, because they like deluding themselves and fantasizing along with the show. They don’t want admitted fiction. They don’t want actual reality. They want to be lied to and told that the story is the reality.
PsychoWolf: More like…video game snipers, never stop moving.
Since most sniper class player use the rifle for short range kills while running all over the map
squeakyL: ”Today we award the medal of honor to Mast Sergeant PsychoWolf. In the heat of battle in downtown Kandahar, he headshotted two enemies before calling down a care package and reviving six of his squad mates. He proceeded to then hunt down Osama bin Laden and twirl in a circle before heatshotting him from twelve feet away with a .50 caliber anti-material rifle and calling him a ‘faggot camper noob’ and insulted the honor of his mother as being an adultress. He them promptly squatted over bin Laden’s face repeatedly and called down a nuclear missile strike.
PsychoWolf:Thank you, i’m deeply moved and honored to receive the medal of honor. Fuck yeah, I won you faggot noobs.
I don’t think I’ve even seen a decent definition of free will, let alone a good argument that it’s a real thing.
The definition is self-defeating in a circular, contradictory way. Why did I rob the bank? Oh, because I’m evil? Why am I evil? Because I chose not to exercise self-control? Well why didn’t I exercise self-control? Because I chose not to develop self-control. Well why did I choose not to develop self-control? Because I didn’t want to. Why didn’t I want to? Uh, because, I didn’t want to?
The Judeo-Christian model of choice is not designed to accomodate a regression of naturalistic factors underpinning a real human brain. It’s a model born out of tribalistic ignorance where black-and-white definitions ruled the world. That other tribe isn’t us. It’s therefore evil. We must destroy it or they will destroy us. That rapist/murderer/thief is different than us - he’s tearing down the cooperative structure of society by making his own rules. He’s evil. Kill him!
The model accommodates us-versus-them thinking and little else. It leaves no room for any other explanation because more sophisticated explanations would not have been beneficial to the tribe’s survival back then. Satan and his fallen angels compel vast numbers of evils against us - we don’t have time to argue about why a being as knowledgeable and powerful as Satan would knowingly condemn himself to an eternity of misery, because fuck logic, we just need to teach our kids that some things will try to kill them and they need to avoid those things at all costs.
- NurRauch
Awkwardly touching heads is the polar opposite of the hoverhand.
HittingSmoke:
I feel like Freeman is the initiator here. He’s probably thinking:
This guy is going to be awkward about touching me because I’m… Morgan Freeman. Let’s face it, I’m God. Anyone would be awkward taking a picture with me. Ten thousand penguins, boldly making the trek of their lives to feed their children in this vast expanse of a universe we call home. I couldn’t blame anyone for doing something as human as being awkward while taking a picture with me, so I think I’ll just touch him with my head while you read this in my voice.
One last thing because I can’t help it. If you have someone in your life who means the world to you: fuck you if you don’t tell them and do something about it. If cancer has taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short not to live your life. Happiness matters most, and there’s nothing better than being with someone you love. In all likelihood, you have more time left to live than I do. Don’t waste it.
r/FuckingPhilosopy: So what the fuck is up with Spinoza’s proof for god anyway?
Yo, first of, no hating on Spinoza. He my homeboy. His ethics are the shit, fo sho. But what the fuck is he talking bout when he’s all up in my grill with substance and shit? Nigga’s too clever for me. -SpinozaDreams
TaintrickTaintze: Ay, dog. Listen, B, Imma letchu finish but this is da shit we gotta work through together, nigga. REAL got-damn philosophy. You feel me? Let’s fuck this shit up. Number 1. I think you right. I gots this real sympathy for Spinoza’s metaphysics cuz nigga seems so nearly close to gettin his ideas all reconciled and shit in his head. Bitch’s terminology can fuck you up, though. Substance as being unlocks that shit, but you already know that, son. His whole motherfuckin’ program as I understand that shit relies upon a god as the only got-damn necessary substance by which every other substance—& all the shitty attributes of being that go with that shit—is judged to be contingent. Through each level of his proof motherfucker’s workin’ on a logical basis by which god is the only thing necessary for there to be god in the first place. Seems fuckin’ tautological but dis nigga KNOWS HIS SHIT, so we gon’ overlook dat. Every other being or substance or some shit for it to be gots ta depend like be contingent and shit upon some other motherfucker more necessary and self-motherfuckin’-contained than its own ass, you feel me? Spizzlenizzle kicks our asses all up and down this shit pointing from all the contingent bitches back to one necessary-ass substance—a god, something with all them attributes of being necessary in its own fuckin right. Fuck me though, dog. He is a clever nigga, & like I wuz sayin’ we gots ta do some real-ass philosophy to work through convoluted-ass arguments together. Imma be sure I just fucked shit up more & I gots a small-ass understanding of it, imma admit that, imma be real witchu, ay dog? So fire some shit back. Let’s work dis fucker out because Spiz-nutz’s argument isn’t one niggaz can just shit on and dismiss. I been sitting for a few years puzzlin’ over how that smart motherfucker pulls a little verbal sleight of hand to get from point A to point B. Shit. Wore myself out. Troof.
If the Earth makes one revolution per year, who is it revolting against and why are they still in power?
This is more of a socio-political question, but I have some information you might be interested in.
The Earth is one of many planets in an organization colloquially called the “System.” Generally, this system works to benefit all the members but every once in a while there is an outburst in prejudice against the smaller, less powerful members (see ‘Pluto’). This system revolves around a central power who is the son of a powerful diplomat. We just call him “The Son.” Now we are getting to the heart of the matter.
The Earth has a revolution every year because it is fighting against censorship. The Son abuses his power 50% of the time by blocking the view to the rest of the universe for the Earth. The goal of the revolution each year is to put someone else in charge. Sadly, this revolution is bound to fail every year because the sad, milky way of things is that cronyism is at play and the powerful diplomat’s son will never be removed from his position.
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Feelin' like a Monday but someday we'll be Saturday Night.Likes
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